


Text Me Twice

by Talianna_ (Talianna)



Series: Wrong Number [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: DailyAU, Eggsy and Harry don't know each other, Eggsy thinks he texts Roxy, Harry enjoys texting and confusing Eggsy, Hartwin, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Wrong Number AU, basically me using tumblr prompts by DailyAU for Hartwin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-04-17
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:50:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6318943
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talianna/pseuds/Talianna_
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><strong>"I've been texting my friend for abt a week now and they dont reply but turns out i was texting a random person and there was some deep personal stuff i sent oh my god why are they calling me now?" AU  (+bonus if the person calls at 2am)</strong> from <em>DailyAU</em></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pepsi or Coke

**"I've been texting my friend for abt a week now and they dont reply but turns out i was texting a random person and there was some deep personal stuff i sent oh my god why are they calling me now?" AU  (+bonus if the person calls at 2am)**

 

* * *

 

Today, 4:07PM

 

**to Roxy:** hey, Eggsy here, u gotta be honest with me for a sec. Pepsi or Coke?

 

**to Eggsy:** _Pepsi, certainly._

 

**to Roxy:** lol are you for real

 

**to Eggsy:** _What is it?_

 

**to Roxy:**  don’t know anyone who spells out certainly while texting

 

**to Eggsy:** _Well, now you do._

 

**to Eggsy:** _Also, you just spelled it out yourself._

 

**to Roxy:**  got me there

 

**to Roxy:** but, Pepsi?

 

**to Roxy:** rank, innit

 

_seen 4:21PM_

* * *

 


	2. Pizza Puns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings: still none :)

Today 9:02PM

 

 **to Roxy:** I’m horny

 

 **to Eggsy:** _Excuse me?_

 

 **to Roxy:** I’m horny

 

 **to Eggsy:** _I don’t believe I can help you with that._

 

 **to Roxy:** oh fuck no

 

 **to Roxy:** I meant horny

 

 **to Roxy:** HORNY

 

 **to Roxy:** bloody hell I’m HUNGRY

 

 **to Roxy:** fucking auto-correct

 

 **to Eggsy:** _Quite_.

 

 **to Roxy:** so you up for pizza now

 

 **to Eggsy:** _I’m afraid I have to pass._

 

 **to Eggsy:** _But you should consider pepperoni and mozzarella._

 

 **to Eggsy:** _I believe I never quite sausage a cheesy topping._

 

 **to Roxy:** that was the worst pun in the history of puns

 

 **to Roxy:** shouldn’t even respond to this

 

 **to Eggsy:** _Don’t be like that, I know you’re laughing._

 

_seen 9:18PM_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short and sweet like me unless I'm horn- erm hungry. :)


	3. Persistent Wanker

Today, 10:05PM

 

 **to Roxy** : kill me pls

 

 **to Eggsy** : What is wrong?

 

 **to Roxy** : you really have to ask

 

 **to Roxy** : that fucking git you gave my number yesterday just texted me 

 

 **to Roxy** : stop fucking grinning Rox cause I'm about to honk up

 

 **to Eggsy** : How come?

 

 **to Roxy** : how come!? well how bout you just take a look at what he texted me

 

 **to Roxy** : [1 attachment]

 

 

 **to Roxy** : fucking ponds???

 

 **to Roxy** : dude's mental if he thinks there's a chance

 

 **to Eggsy** : That is a first-grade example of negging.

 

 **to Roxy** : wtf Rox

 

 **to Eggsy** :  Negging, saying something negative to make you want to earn his approval.

 

 **to Eggsy** : Rather trite, if you ask me.

 

 **to Roxy** : yeah alright Rox I don't want no approval from him he's a right wanker

 

 **to Roxy** : and fucking persistent

 

 **to Roxy** : kill me or I'll kill you cause you was the one to go over to him itfp

 

 **to Roxy** : fucking posh prick 

 

 **to Eggsy** : Why don't we just skip the killing and you tell him that you are not interested?

 

 **to Roxy** : I told you yesterday I was not interested before you gave him my fucking number!

 

 **to Roxy** : but alright whatever I'll get rid of him

 

 **to Roxy** : I'm crashing early see you tmrw

 

 **to Eggsy** : Goodnight, Eggsy.

 

* * *

 

 

Today, 12:07PM

 

 **to Roxy** : me and dickhead kinda fixed a meeting lol

_seen 12:09 PM_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you liked it :)
> 
> (btw, it's "to Roxy" because Eggsy thinks he's texting Roxy while in reality he's texting Harry)


	4. Short-Term Memory Loss

Today, 4:27PM 

 

 **to Roxy** : hey Rox, how are you feeling? better?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Better?_

 

 **to Roxy** : your headache Rox don't tell me you have amnesia or something

 

 **to Roxy** : forgetting about your headache or letting me forget about it for a second would be a miracle

 

 **to Roxy** : your proper whiny when you've got your migraine or whatever

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I do not whine.  And it's "you're"._

 

 **to Roxy** : sure you do Rox

 

 **to Roxy** : oh shut up

 

 **to Roxy** : your headache is obvs gone if YOU'RE correcting me again

 

 **to Roxy** : pleased?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Immensely._

 

 **to Roxy** : great

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Wonderful_.

 

 **to Roxy** : smashing

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Splendid_. 

 

 **to Roxy** : spiffing

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Marvelous_.

 

 **to Roxy** : awesome

 

 **to Eggsy** : _You're behaving like a child, Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : look who's talking! ain't like I typed them words for you innit?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Fair enough._

 

_\- Eggsy writes -_

 

_\- Roxy writes -_

 

 **to Roxy** : you know what ain't fair?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _So, did you already meet up with the "posh prick", as you called him so astutely?_

 

 **to Eggsy** : _What isn't fair?_

 

 **to Roxy** : sure you don't have amnesia? you should get yourself checked, eh? told you about it today at uni, you forgot?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _It's more probable that I'm experiencing short-term memory loss because my headache wouldn't allow me to listen to your incessant swearing and complaining and remember it later, dear Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : you arse

 

 **to Roxy** : and no I ain't met up with him yet

 

 **to Roxy** : fixed it for saturday

 

 **to Roxy** : don't forget to be free in case you need to bail me out yeah?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Bail you out?_

 

 **to Roxy** : goddamn Rox

 

 **to Roxy** : if he's as much a wanker irl as in texts I'll need you to call me and get me outta there yeah?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Oh. I don't know if I'm free on Saturday._

 

 **to Roxy** : oh no no no you are free I ain't going on a date with the bloke if I'm not sure I'll have a way out

 

 **to Roxy** : make yourself free Rox you owe me

 

 **to Roxy** : promise me you'll be there

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Certainly._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'll manage._

 

 **to Roxy** : that's ace, thanks Rox

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Of course._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _What isn't fair, though?_

 

 **to Roxy** : that you're fucking whining has gotten you out of the assignment due tomorrow and I have to work my arse off

 

 **to Roxy** : I'm hurting too

 

 **to Roxy** : my eyes hurt when I read dickhead's texts

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Then I suggest you stop writing him._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Also, it's "your"._

 

 **to Roxy** : oh shut up Rox

_seen 5:03PM_

 

 


	5. Dog Days Are Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some of the dialogue is taken from the movie, you'll know it when you read it ;)

Today, 2:54PM

 

 **to Roxy** : guess what Rox!!

 

 **to Eggsy** :  _What is it?_

 

 **to Roxy:** we got a dog today!

 

 **to Roxy** : I didn't think mum would be up for it

 

 **to Roxy** : but Daisy wouldn't stop bugging her

 

 **to Roxy** : I might or might not have ~ egged ~ her on a bit 

 

 **to Roxy** : did you get the pun?

 

 **to Eggsy** :  _I did, Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : oi, I don't appreciate the tone, Rox

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I don't have the slightest idea what you are talking about._

 

 **to Roxy** : yeah sure you do, you can bloody read the sarcasm out of your text

 

 **to Roxy** : anyways

 

 **to Roxy** : wanna see a pic?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Of what, precisely?_

 

 **to Roxy** : JB, Rox, you seem more clueless than usual

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I am not clueless._

 

 **to Roxy** : not usually 

 

 **to Roxy** : but lately... yeah you are

 

 **to Roxy** : so how bout the pic then??

 

 **to Eggsy** :  _Indulge me._

 

 **to** **Roxy** : ...

 

 **to Roxy:** you can't see it but I'm rolling my eyes real hard

 

 **to Eggsy** :  _Thank you for letting me know._

 

**to Eggsy:** _Why don't you send me a picture so I'll be able to see it?_

 

 **to Roxy** : no can do

 

 **to Roxy:** I ain't put my makeup on yet lol

 

 **to Roxy** : wouldn't want to scare you huh

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm sure it's not that bad._

 

 **to Roxy:** ofc it ain't bad

 

 **to Roxy** : I'm fucking gorgeous

 

 **to Eggsy** : _And quite humble as well._

 

 **to Roxy** : you know it!

 

 **to Roxy** : know who's gorgeous as well?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I don't think I want to know._

 

 **to Roxy:** [1 attachment]

 

**to Roxy** : JB!

 

 **to Roxy:** ain't he the most adorable bulldog

 

 **to Roxy** : at least that's what Daisy says

 

 **to Roxy** : she loves him already

 

 **to Roxy** : wonder how much mom'll love him when he's all grown

 

 **to Eggsy** : _That's a pug, Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : what

 

 **to Roxy** : no it ain't

 

 **to Roxy** : it's a bulldog, innit?

 

**to Eggsy:** _No, Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : it will grow though?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm afraid not._

 

 **to Roxy** : shit

 

 **to Roxy** : that's why mum was okay with it

 

 **to Roxy** : whatever JB's still great

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Why name him JB?_

 

 **to Roxy** : guess

 

 **to Roxy:** I'm telling you already it ain't Justin Bieber

 

 **to Eggsy** : _James Bond?_

 

 **to Roxy:** nah

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Jason Bourne?_

 

 **to Roxy** : nope

 

 **to Roxy** : and there I thought we were friends

 

 **to Roxy** : you should know this

 

 **to Roxy** : I'm disappointed

 

 **to Roxy** : it's Jack Bauer 

 

 **to Eggsy** : _This would have been my next guess._

 

 **to Roxy** : sure it would Rox

 

 **to Roxy** : have to go

 

 **to Roxy** : mum wants me to take him for a walk

 

 **to Roxy** : I have the feeling I'll regret this decision soon

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I doubt that, dogs are a man's best friend, after all._

 

 **to Roxy** : yeah didn't mean it anyway

 

 **to Roxy** : that little bugger's already grown on me

 

 **to Roxy** : even if he ain't a bulldog

 

 **to Roxy** : you sure he isn't though?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm sure, Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy:** alright, just wanted to make sure

 

 **to Roxy** : gotta go now

 

 **to Roxy** : talk to you later

 

 **to Eggsy:**   _Until later then, Eggsy._


	6. Trash TV is Cash TV

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: mentions of drugs, alcohol and explicit language

_Today, 9:21PM_

 

 **to Roxy** : you know Rox sometimes I feel like such a deadbeat

 

 **to Eggsy** : _What are you talking about, Eggsy?_

 

 **to Eggsy** : _You're not a deadbeat._

_\- Roxy writes -_

_\- Eggsy writes -_

 

 **to Roxy** : but then I watch trash TV and I mean

 

 **to Roxy** : could've been worse you know

 

 **to Roxy** : JB could've sat on my face and killed me

 

 **to Roxy** : or I could've set my boobs on fire

 

 **to Roxy** : so many possibilities

 

 **to Roxy** : makes my life actually feel kind of boring you know

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Are you serious, Eggsy?_

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Please tell me you are not watching what I think you are watching._

 

 **to Roxy** : ain't my fault they're doing reruns of the wive$$$

 

 **to Roxy** : you watched it yeah?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I was forced to, yes._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _And the stylised title is absolutely unnecessary, if you asked me._

 

 **to Roxy** : I think it's ace

 

 **to Roxy** : gives it a bit more

 

 **to Roxy** : STYLE

 

 **to Roxy** : ayooooo

 

 **to Eggsy** : ...

 

 **to Eggsy** : _You do know these shows are all staged or absolutely ridiculous?_

 

 **to Roxy** : course I know!

 

 **to Roxy** : makes it even more hilarious imo

 

 **to Roxy** : makes you seem less of a fuck up you know

 

_\- Roxy writes -_

 

 **to Roxy** : OH MY GOD

 

 **to Roxy** : FUCKING HELL ROX

 

 **to Roxy** : she did not just shag him to death did she???

 

 **to Roxy** : Rox??

 

 **to Roxy** : Rox I need ANSWERS

 

 **to Roxy** : and the other bird is pregnant too??

 

 **to Roxy** : WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE???

 

 **to Roxy** : why would they end the season here fucking hell

 

 **to Roxy** : ROOOOOOX

 

 **to Eggsy** : _As you put it so eloquently, yes, she did shag him to death._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Although that was more likely caused by the combination of alcohol, cocaine and Viagra than by, well, the sex._

 

 **to Roxy** : fucking hell

 

 **to Roxy** : guess I'll have to remember to never take it all at once lol 

 

 **to Eggsy** : ...

 

 **to Roxy** : I ain't serious ofc

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Of course._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Now that there's the commercial break, tell me, how is JB?_

 

 **to Roxy** : still no bulldog

 

 **to Roxy** : but great

 

 **to Roxy** : mum and Daisy love him

 

 **to Roxy** : but he loves me most

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Of course he does._

 

 **to Roxy:**  yeah cause I'm a fucking delight and everybody loves me

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Of course they do._

 

 **to Roxy** : you're a fucking sarcastic little shit you know that??

 

 **to Roxy** : anyways, wanna see him?

 

 **to Roxy** : [1 attachment]

 

 

 

 **to Roxy** : he's just lounging around on my bed

 

 **to Roxy** : seems to enjoy trash TV just like I do

 

 **to Roxy** : wait a second

 

 **to Roxy** : how'd you know there was commerials

 

 **to Roxy** : your watching it too!

 

_\- Roxy writes -_

 

 **to Roxy** : oh hell no don't even try to lie

 

 **to Roxy** : you're busted!!

 

 **to Eggsy** : _It's 'you're', Eggsy._

 

 **to Roxy** : you like trash TV!!

 

 **to Eggsy** : _You can't see it but I'm rolling my eyes real hard._

 

 **to Roxy** : oi that's my line!

 

 **to Roxy** : why dont YOU send me a picture so I can see huh?

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Why don't we just forget about our penchant for trash TV and never talk about it again?_

 

 **to Roxy** : not a chance

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm good at negotiating._

 

 **to Roxy** : I'm good at not relenting

 

 **to Eggsy** : _We'll see about that._

 

 **to Roxy** : oh yeah?

 

 **to Roxy** : well go on then

 

 **to Roxy** : what you offering love

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Oh, I'm not sure._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I actually don't think I have the time to think of something elaborate._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm so busy right now._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I don't even know if I'll have time to think on it over the weekend._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _And Saturday seems to be a particularly busy day for me._

 

 **to Roxy** : NO ROX

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I might be absolutely exhausted by Saturday night._

 

 **to Roxy** : ROX

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I might possibly fall asleep long before Saturday evening and I'm such a heavy sleeper, nothing will wake me._

 

 **to Roxy** : ROXANNE MORTON

 

 **to Roxy** : YOU ARE NOT ABANDONING ME ON SATURDAY

 

 **to Roxy** : NOT WHEN I HAVE THAT FUCKING DATE YOU GOT ME INTO

 

 **to Roxy** : you fucking win mate

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Oh, is that so?_

 

 **to Roxy** : wipe that smirk off your face, yeah you win

 

 **to Eggsy** : _You won't mention my penchant for trash TV anymore?_

 

 **to Roxy** : no

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Not with a single word? To anyone?_

 

 **to Roxy** : yeah, not a word, I ain't grassing you up to anyone

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Thank you Eggsy, much appreciated._

 

 **to Roxy** : oh bugger off Rox

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I told you that I'm good at negotiating._

 

 **to Roxy** :  negotiating??

 

 **to Roxy** : that's what you kids call blackmailing yeah?

 

 **to Roxy** : you stoop so low Rox 

 

 **to Eggsy** : _It's just a question of semantics, Eggsy._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _And the better bargaining chip._

 

 **to Roxy** : srsly Rox, kindly bugger off and let me enjoy these shitty reruns yeah

 

 **to Roxy** : at least JB's here for me to talk shit about them

 

 **to Eggsy** : _As you wish, Eggsy._

 

 **to Eggsy** : _I'm looking forward to the next time negotiating with you._

 

 **to Roxy** : yeah my pleasure

 

 **to Roxy** : commercials are over, talk to you later

 

 **to Eggsy** : _Good night, Eggsy._

 

_seen 10:03PM_

 

_ Today, 10:37PM _

 

 **to Roxy** : just thought I'd let you know that JB buggered off too

 

 **to Roxy** : some friends I have, really

 

 **to Roxy** : guess I'll have to find someone to talk about trash TV with if you don't want

 

 **to Roxy** : who knows, maybe dickhead likes trash TV and he'll be delighted to talk shit with me and we'll live happily ever after watching all seasons together for the rest of our lives

 

_seen 11:07_

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, you guys, you have _no idea_ how long I was looking for the word 'semantics'! I knew what I wanted to say but I forgot the word and must've looked for it all over the internet for half an hour, but I couldn't stop until I finally found it lol
> 
> also I have no idea about British trash TV so I just googled it and found a Buzzfeed quiz and it led me to this ridiculous show so yeah, I know next to nothing about it haha
> 
> hope you liked the chapter! :)


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